You and I

(Cool title, huh?)
Things are complicated right now, I know.
But one day, you and I will get out of this web.
We'll live by a fence of your choice.
And I swear to you.
This will all just be blurred pictures by the end.
Please lend me your index finger.
And a wrinkled old map.
Our whole life could be a Kodak Moment.
I swear.

Pedastol

You are not you anymore
You're made of all these strange new parts
These parts that aren't you
So stop pretending you're the same
Stop pretending you are the all mighty
And get off that high horse, Frankenstein's Monster

You're not
You make me kind of sick
The way you think you're unchanged
Still so true to us
Like the world would fumble if you left for an hour
I'm not okay anymore, and not just because of you
I wish I could laugh like I speak
And speak like I write

You make me sick Frankenstein's Monster.
You're still my best friend.

--Angsty journal write. Boom.

Weird things

So, after I wrote that post in my notebook about the retinas, pupils, etc.
I turned to the next page, and this, not in my handwriting was written
"I can see behind your eyes"
I am a little freaked out right now.
Coincidence makes me sleepy.

Eyes

Let me hold your pupils, let me see all the stars that made you afraid
Your irises will no longer serve a purpose, just bruises
Peel off those retinas like band-aids
Soon no one will know what you have seen
Just you, me, and the adhesive on your lids

Misconception

When you said the first step would hurt like a thousand knives
And that it would get better
I didn't think you meant it would just be 999 knives from then on out.

The Past

Looking at those pictures
And seeing us happy
Makes the space just beneath my chest ache
I miss you
I'll call you soon
I promise
We'll make it better

Deep Thawts

The things that made me different that I was so eager to escape
Are things I miss about myself the most
Just wish I knew how to remember what those were

My Thoughts

I didn't ask for that
I didn't ask for you
I didn't ask for you to say that

I didn't want you to hate me
Or find a reason to hate what I said
I didn't want this at all

You left me, remember?
Stop spinning it around.

Deep Thoughts Vol. 1

Because we have nothing
Because everything needs help
Because we cannot save it all
Do we not help anything
Do we all have to stay broken
Can we not help anyone
Are we really that selfish?
Are we?

Fancy Words

I've picked up a habit of erasing pasts that were never mine
Of making hurt go away that I never caused
The only thing that's bad is I seem to fade away with these fates

Your dissent and inability to feel was just dressed in lace
Or maybe I mistook the pretty spider web
The pink in your cheeks was just faded red

The new track was just the skipping CD
The bonus features were just a glitch in the film
All I am trying to say now is this was all just placebo, don't make excuses

ATL

Overloading.

I can't think.

Can't hardly catch my breath.

Are there really people who just aren't supposed to be happy?

I've read enough angsty online diaries to know that I'm not the only one who wonders.

Is it that irrational to think I could be the exception to the rule

"Everyone Deserves Happiness"

Everyone else seems... excused from poor habits.

From being irrational.

From being boring.

From being sarcastic.

From having no redeeming qualities

I'm tired of being angsty, and just a typical teen

So typical to think that

And fitting my little made-up cliches

And tired of my past determining my present but not my future

I'm tired of hurting people.

It's not that unrealistic.

To think you can go without hurting someone.

It seems so simple, just snap, no more hurting for anyone.

Goddamnfuckinghealthclass.

Night. <3>

My Crisis

I am starting to think every little thought in PostSecret format.

I should probably stop thinking cryptically.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to think anymore.

Mmmmymistake

If you were a facebook group. I wouldn't like you.

Thanks for asking if I was okay today, it meant a lot.

Cupboard

Stuck in the Wasatch
With a million beehives
And a million oppressive thoughts

My word is worth
The stars on the flag
And the pages of The Book of

I am what binds you.
What keeps you.
What makes you feel possessed

Even when you're liberated
You are doubtful
Washed

All you know are these words of man
And these tedious rules
Oh, all these rules are your words.

One day, we will all run out of words
Will you be content with your last ones?

I am

Trying to make poor excuses for titles.
These are not titles.
These are sentence fragments.
Sad
Little
Formatted
Sentence Fragments
You must think I have deep thoughts, huh?
You're so right.

He

Has her
And nothing nice

That

Girl has claws
And nothing nice

They

Call me "Her"
and
nothing nice

Arggh

I never knew a song lyric could be me
I never knew that his words
Could be the ones to save me
I never thought I could be beautiful
I never thought I could cry
And he would still say
I am beautiful

I never thought anyone would say
A soul could be resolved
I never thought I'd see the day
I would let him get involved
I always thought it would be them
I never thought I could laugh
And my laugh lines wouldn't bother him

I never thought I could find "him"
I still don't know if I'm right

Better With Tempo

I'm still standing in the rain
Waiting for you breath to fade away
I'm still sitting in the dark
Waiting for anything to start

It's getting even harder now
Hushing my hair from my face
I hear the cosmic forces
Laughing in outer space.

I'm tired of moving like a fool
So that you can sit up on your stool
I'm listening for the sound
To say you have still drowned

I'm dancing on the bridge
Stalking for my doom
I'm singing in the closed door
The empty space of fume

I'm cursing at the tone
Saying "Lord leave me alone"
I can't hardly keep my pitch now
I wonder if I'll know how

IMO

Modest isn't hottest

And so now...

I'm out of rhymes

Today...

I put on a dress
And makeup
So I could sit in my room
In the dark
And look in the mirror
And see everything that is

What is wrong with me?

I just started picking each eyelash
One by one
By one
And scratching each itch
Stomach Arms Legs

Disorders

Argh Argh

So, I thought I couldn't write another sad poem.
And I am getting closer.
My format is laughable.
For a not rhythmic post.

I'm realizing the power of forget.
That everything has means for regret.
Thank god I made one rhyme.

I found a boy
Needle and thread
My silly unneeded closure


I'm getting my cliche sewing up
I feel whole when we speak
And when I know he is smiling and laughing
At the same time as me

I know
I love you
And I forgive you
And I'm sorry
And that we'll see each other again

Revision

I thought I wasn't broken
I didn't need fixing
But then my mental pieces
Yearned for mending

Overused and overrated
Underused never appreciated
My personified heart
It tells me I chose wrong

But my conscience
Well, it says otherwise.
I think it's time I cut the unbound ties
I forgive you.

Love is Envy

'Nuff said

Muse Writings

Sometimes I wanna be a wannabe
'Cause everyone keeps calling me
And telling me
Just how unique to be

-How was I supposed to know
I was just for show

There were only so many ways
To say I want you to want me
What hurts the most is you didn't have to give me a cliche
Good bye

I wanted to say
Fuck the moon and fuck that sun
And dream to our hearts content
And scribble down a thousand hellos
If our contradictions could be reality

Let all the crumpled napkins
Sealing chicken scratch love notes from across the kitchen
Be burned by will
Because no flame seems to forget them enough

I guess our love wasn't enough
And all the syllables saying we were allusions to fairy tales were right
Because no world shaking event goes without consequence
And couldn't seem to keep you from hurting me

Maybe our connections just died like a phone line
Like a heart sick wave
Maybe all of the personified affection isn't enough anymore
I never wanted to be the original cause of your awakening
Maybe our heart ache club just wasn't as non-conventional we thought

I could sing all day long
About how cosmic forces are fake
But I don't think karma holds a soft spot for smoldering faith and cynicism

---This is what I managed to scramble down on a napkin last night,
so as you can imagine
needs serious revising

Titles Are Stupid

So let's suppose
All the storming rain clouds
Were just the tears and battle cries

And all the cliche things we said
Were just the words
Of lovers left in bed

And the something that changed
We can't put our fingers on
Is just you and me

And maybe the love
Is and never will be gone
Just he and she are moving on

The oceans floors we used to crawl on
Were nothing more than flooded boxes
Full of sand outside our parents' homes

The shadows we felt walking behind us
Was just the paranoid envy
I felt for you and you for me

Another Untitled Everything

I miss when you and I could talk about the way we work
The way we think
The way we cry

I fear that everything I'm going through you think is just another something
Another it
To put in a box

I think too often of all the 'used to'
I wish rolling the world off my shoulders didn't require a map
I wish I still felt like you were here
And you weren't his
To mold into what he thinks is courageous and right

I still think you're beautiful
I wish you still made me feel that way
Before you turn off the lights
Do you know I feel like I will never have to say
How much I love you

Because you should just know, Mama.

Sometimes

Sometimes I have thoughts that mean things too
Sometimes I doubt that I cared to begin with
Sometimes I write down a line that sums me up completely
Sometimes I realize I have to revise those lines
Sometimes I get scared that I'm not coming back
Sometimes I listen to myself and scream in agony
Sometimes I look in the mirror and set aside time for constructive criticism
Sometimes I purposely make an ugly face to prove that's not me all the time
Sometimes I cry just to feel
Sometimes I realize how cliche I am
Sometimes I laugh about all the things I regret
Sometimes I am still in love with those regrets
Sometimes I have regrets that are people
Sometimes I do not
Sometimes I feel like my words are swimming through honey
Sometimes I feel like those words have to work their way up through my stomach to my throat
Sometimes I feel inadequate to be me
Sometimes I am just another invasion of body snatchers
Sometimes I wake up and cry and hope tomorrow I feel like me
Sometimes I know I am just a contradiction
Sometimes I hate myself for all of my sometimes
Sometimes I love myself for never having an always